I watched this video of Pat Metheny completely trashing Kenny G last night. If you haven’t seen it, it’s awesome. But it did end up fucking up my dreams.
In my dream, I got a desperate last minute call to sub in Pat Metheny’s band. Why he was interested in having some dumb amateur guitarist like myself fill in for a world-class musician he otherwise had in mind only reinforced my notion that even when you “make it” in jazz, you still play shit gigs for $100 and just get whoever you can to fill out the group.
The problem was I didn’t have my guitar with me and I had no time to get home to grab one. I decided I would just show up hoping for the best. “Maybe I’ll just buy a guitar on the way”, I rationalized. Sure, like buying chapstick or something. I’d then casually ask Pat if he had a second input on his amp and I’d plug right in there. That’s right, I’d piggyback off of Pat Metheny’s finely-tuned gear. Of course he’d be cool with it.
The gig was at some kind of tacky ass hotel lobby with some neon ’80s track lighting installed. Pat was cool to me, but a bit aloof because he was busy setting up his stuff. He had this enormous triangle-shaped pedal board with which to make all his sounds. He didn’t seem the least bit perturbed that I didn’t have a guitar with me. “Great,” I thought.
I found a guitar shop in the hotel (naturally) and they had the most beat up, weird guitars I have ever seen. Most of them looked homemade and they were decorated with finger paint. I grabbed the one that actually had all the strings and played in tune. It looked like someone had literally flattened a guitar with a huge anvil, lacquered over it, and strung it up.
I bartered with the store clerk. He asked $350. “No way,” I said… “this is worth $150, tops”. He pointed out the unique paint job and that it was used as a student guitar, so “you know it’s good”.
I started sweating. Not only was I about to get laughed at for my crappy guitar, I don’t even really know how to play Pat Metheny’s brand of fusion jazz. The next rant he would post was going to be about how shitty I was, not Kenny G. I also remembered I had a history school paper due soon. I thought, “I really hope this dream ends soon.”
Our students are falling behind Japan in the field of textbook defacement. Wake up America.
I just saw a song title: “what yo name is?” And I got soo mad at the grammar then I felt old.
7 Mistakes You’re Making with Olive Oil
Shampooing your dog with it.
Pouring it on Lord Denethor and lighting him on fire.
Trying to use it as currency.
Carrying it in a gallon freezer bag and telling people it’s your nephew Walt.
Freezing it in the shape of olives.
Dressing like Popeye and trying to have sex with it.
Using it as a metaphor to describe Johnny Fontaine’s hair to Tom Hagen.
A list of the Top Ten Coolest Videogame Heroes
Bubsy, Bonk, and Zitz have not withstood the test of time.
Welcome to the future.
Turn your hand over, dummy, you have an email.
Why are you looking at your watch while you’re holding your goddamn phone you dipshit. Look at your phone. Not the watch. The phone.
Fine. Be that way. Touch the watch with your only hand without technology. Consider buying another phone for your non-phone hand. Perhaps it’s lonely without a phone to hold.
You recorded this with your Google Glass, didn’t you?
Why am I even asking, of course you did.
This kind of snark is how we should be fighting stupid technology. Not throwing rocks at buses and telling your neighbors they should leave.